DON'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I'VE GOT IT DOWN

Wow. Christmas.

I am sitting in my kitchen next to a simmering pot of turkey chili and felt like I needed to write a little.

Christmas came and went with a flurry of mass, communion, nativity, Mimi's and pizza in lieu of "sidewalk shrimp," fluffy eggs and pancakes for breakfast, tissue, wrapping paper, talking Elmo, books, play-doh, a million blocks and balls.

I put IV to bed on Christmas Eve, kissed him and told him that a King was born. A very special child that angels sang and praised. And that in the morning we would celebrate.

Then I poured a glass of wine and thought about Christmas.

We pictured Christmas much differently, MJ and I. We were supposed to go to his family's house on Christmas Eve and then drive up to the ranch for Christmas Day. We were going to buy IV an art table. We were going to hang lights and cook and drink and decorate and, well, have our first Christmas together, as a family.

Instead, we are here.

I have about 10 episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" saved and, honestly, I just couldn't watch them...

But sitting in our bed with a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, listening to the wind howl and blow, wiggling my toes in brand new Christmas socks from my Grace, I turned on an episode and my mind began to wander. I had a thought.

Prophetic. Not PATHETIC. Thanks Tiff.

This situation - this accident, this tragedy, whatever you want to call it, this is our path.

This is our journey.

OK, so I just wrote this long ass post about "be here now"- did I REALLY get it?

This is what we do.

Me and MJ.

And we do it together.

And that's it.

Every day.

One recent night MJ came up to bed after working on a consulting project and he got into bed and rolled towards me. A little drunk (um, let's not share that with the client, hope you're not readers! Sorry!), he grabbed my hand.

"I can't propose to you in front of the Christmas tree. That would just be gay" he told me.

"As long as it's not at the finish line of the marathon," I replied. "Now THAT would be gay."

We laughed and fell asleep.

But now that I think about it, he sort of did just that.

Is it possible to be more intertwined with someone, more absorbed into the weave of their soul, than when you weather the roughest times with them? When you cling to each other and you know, you just KNOW that you won't survive without one another?

I'm closer to MJ now than any ring, any white dress, any vow could ever take me.

Perspective.

Reach down and touch the bottom.

Redemption finds you faster when you come back up and break the surface.