WINDING WHEEL

Friday night I decided I was going to have a slumber party with MJ.

I haven't stayed the night with him since we were in ICU in San Antonio and now that I am full time mama again, it hasn't been possible. But this weekend I was free to pack my bags, load up on snacks, water, wine (thanks to my LeDogg and Steph V. for that idea) and blankets and head to the hospital.

Yes I had wine in the hospital. Priorities, people...

The hospital is a much different place at night.

The lights are lowered.

It's quiet.

Even with the constant hum of activity and machines, somehow the hospital turns the volume down a notch.

MJ was pretty riled up from about 10 - 11 PM. He wants to lie on his stomach so badly. I'm sure his back is killing him from 8 weeks of lying flat but unfortunately the PEG tube and his trach don't appreciate the movement and direct rubbing. So we try to let him move and turn on his side, but he just can't lie on his tummy.

Nursing. What a science. I have observed so much in the past 2 months - how to change sheets (it's like magic), how to bathe and shave someone, how to flush IV lines, how to crush medicine and administer it through a feeding tube. Things that I didn't necessarily want to learn how to do, but nonetheless I think stretching your mind and intellect is always a good thing.

I've learned that doctors round early on weekdays and late on weekends. I've learned the names and effects of dozens upon dozens of medications. Keppra, Klonapin, Heparin, Methodone, Propfol...bleh.

Tiffany and I are officially removing the word "agitation" from our vocabulary.

The last night I slept in a bed with MJ was November 14th - in the Bonnin's guest room in San Antonio. We had a spagetti dinner with Pat and Meghan, made a pit stop at HEB to buy breakfast for the next day (bananas, golden raisins and carefully selected Odwallas) and then turned in. We were excited and jittery and nervous - we forced ourselves to fall asleep because we knew it would be an early morning. Curled up together, ready to tackle this challenge we trained hard for.

So as I settled in with MJ this Friday night in the oversized chair next to his bed, it interestingly enough felt...cozy. I haven't been able to get that close to him in 2 months. We held hands and I talked to him until I fell asleep, a trait that drives him crazy but that I do regardless.

I also wake him up in the morning with my talking.

I like to talk. Haven't you noticed?

We slept from 11 PM to 4 AM before he woke again - the nurses only came in once at 2 AM to check his vitals...I barely remember them through bleary, sleepy eyes.

We sat and talked more. About IV, about the Longhorns, about Erin and Clay's baby, about jobs and the cold weather and running.

Time flew until 6 AM...and 6 AM signals a change in the hospital.

The "roosters" crow at 6 AM; the lights come on and the volume turns back up, hustle and bustle, shift changes, rounds, medicine, tucking, checking, turning.

It all begins again.

I became more aware of something this weekend.

Routine bothers me. Routine feels like a lack of forward progress to me. I want to be going, doing, moving, shaking. Changing. If I'm not changing, then I feel like I'm missing out on something, not living up to potential, not fulfilling.

But there is also something beautiful, something to be cherished about the routine.

And MJ taught me that from the beginning of our relationship.

I never wanted anything but him. I never wished for anything outside of what we were doing, what we were living, creating, making happen. There was no greener grass. Everything I dreamed of was right next to me.

How incredible is that? I am humbled that we are given the opportunity to experience that. Because, dare I say, not everyone is blessed with the awareness to experience it - I certainly didn't think I would ever be.

A pattern, a rhythm, a cadence to life should be appreciated. It makes the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months. And if I was told 2 months ago where I would be today, well, I wouldn't have believed you.

Which will make the place we are 2 months from now completly amazing and unbelievable as well.

I am a girl of conviction.

Let's revisit on March 11, 2010.